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Two Essays on The Count of Monte Cristo

I love The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. I have read the unabridged version more than once, and my most recent reread was in 2023. At that time, I wrote a couple of brief essays which I posted on Tumblr, one of which was about a canonically queer character and the other discussed a character who is often left out of the various adaptations. I present for you these essays with expansion and alteration, because I keep returning to them as pieces of writing and because I don't want them to be limited to those original posts. I'd like to thank longtime Patron Case Aiken, who receives a monthly shoutout, as well as new patrons DivineJasper and Sasha Khan. (Quotes are from Robin Buss’ English translation of Alexandre Dumas’ work.) Link to Audio Version. ----- Canonical Queerness in The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas You’d need to change surprisingly little of The Count of Monte Cristo to confirm Eugénie Danglars as a trans man (or a masc-leaning nonbinary person...

Clear Your Shit: Dead (Conclusion)

The journey home is peaceful. Heather and I chat excitedly about the trip. And what a trip! My pack is weighed down by all the new books I've accumulated along the way and I can't wait to get home and catalog them. The sun is sinking lower in the horizon when Heather pats her grumbling stomach. I happily agree with her. I could really use a quick snack too. We find a cluster of tree stumps off the main path in a clearing and decide this would be the perfect spot for an impromptu picnic. I still have a few rations I scavenged along the way. We munch for a bit, enjoying the perfect weather and knowledge that no one else will have to hide from the falling books around the kingdom soon enough. I feel my eyes dropping in contentment when a familiar sensation starts crawling across my skin. My eyes snap open just before the pressure in the air around us thickens. I jump up, taking hold of my club just as the Wizard appears in a cloud of smoke. And he looks MAD. I guess he wasn't as out cold as I had thought. That's fine with me. I would love another go at the guy who sent us on a bogus quest. I raise my tooth club but before I can take a swing, the Wizard flicks his wrist and my club is suddenly across the clearing. I glance at Heather who looks equally as stunned before turning back to him. Clearly, he's not playing around anymore. Slowly I beginning backing up, never taking my eyes from him but hoping Heather catches on and follows my lead. I do not like the smile he's suddenly flashing in our direction. But he doesn't come after us, just as we step into the brush on the edge of the clearing the Wizard lifts a hand with his fingers pressed together. A snap echoes in the clearing, somehow loud enough to set my ears ringing. I see Heather fall limp to the ground, but before I can check on her my vision blurs. I can't breathe. Am I on my knees? When did this happen? The last thing that passes through my mind is how soft the grass under my cheek is before the whole world goes black.

Narrated by Alu. Follow her on Twitter and check out her website: Tome Reader Reviews.


A pink line-drawing of an open book with flames over words in teal reading "Clear Ur Shit 2020" with "Survivor" below it crossed out.


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